When Murdoch Met Cameron

I've been given a transcript of Rupert Murdoch's visit to Number 10:

Murdoch: "Dave. Nice house. Bit small. How's it hangin'?"

David: "O it's..."

Murdoch: "Yeah, thought so. Where's Nick?"

David: "O he's..."

Murdoch: "Is he. Well let's get down to business."

David: "OK...well.."

Murdoch: "Look my boy James almost f****d up. I told him to be f*****g careful but he was determined to give you all the help you needed. Even by my standards we went a bit f*****g OTT. But that's water under the bridge now boy. You're hear. In power. Even if it does need the Lib-Dems to bail you out."

David: "Well..."

Murdoch: "So...what I want to know now is what I'm getting in return mate. I mean I don't do anything for anyone without some kind of back scratching in return. Not even you mate."

David: "Well..."

Murdoch: "I'm not getting any f*****g younger so let's cut to the chase. I've got a list here somewhere. First: f*****g OfCom. Those bastards are trying to ruin me. Get them off my back. Second: the f*****g BBC. Commie poofs the lot of them. Let's break the bastards up. Flog off some of the f*****g thing to the private sector. Cut the licence fee so they can't really compete. O and get all that free content of the f*****g web. I don't understand it but its not making me enough f*****g money. What's the point in charging for the Times if the bloody BBC can put news and sport up for free. Thirdly: Let's get rid of these silly rules about balance in the news. If I wanted balance I'd buy the f*****g BBC. I want Sky News to be able to say what it likes about who it likes without being worried about fairness. It works for me in the States so why the f**k not here. Sound fair enough Dave?"

David: "Well I..."

Murdoch: "Good. Well thanks for the chat. I'll be keeping a close f*****g eye on things from now on and you wouldn't want me getting hostile now would you. I mean coalitions are notoriously difficult to keep together. There's a few bastards in your party that could stir up a bit of trouble if we wanted them to."

David: "Well there's..."

Murdooch: "Anyway mate. I've got to go. I've got to have a word with James and Rebekah. You know if you want a job doing properly..."

*Recording ends*

So there you have it. Exclusive.